Please Don't Hit Me With The Ram
=================================


I don't mind being frozen,
or peppered with hot lead
I don't even mind an anvil
though it gives me a sore head.

But,
*chorus*
Please don't hit me with the Ram
Please don't hit me with the Ram
It is frightfully mean to bruise my spleen
So please don't hit me with the Ram


I don't mind some electrocution,
Or slipping on banana peel,
I'll take a whack from a cannonball
That's quite alright I feel.

But,
*chorus*
Please don't hit me with the Ram
Please don't hit me with the Ram
it makes my cry when I'm sent fly-
ing from your dratted ram.


You can grab me with your magnet,
And smash me -- what great fun!
You can cook me up in your flame thrower
And roast me till I'm done

But,
*chorus*
Please don't hit me with the Ram
Please don't hit me with the Ram
It's so unkind to come behind and
smash me with your ram

I wish you would cease
breaking me to pieces with that awful ram.

================
Dog
Baron von Flüffe-Botte (aka Fluffy Butt)
================
When a child's lost on a mountain,
and the weather's closing in
You can always get assistance
from the famous Rin Tin Tin

But when it comes to aviation
you don't want just any mutt
There is just one dog to count on
and his name is Fluffy Butt

___
{chorus}
Lassie's no good at flying airplanes
Marmaduke's OK but scared of height
You'd never want Old Yeller anywhere near a propeller
It's Fluffy Butt you want in any fight.
___

You can take all my Dalmations
throw in Lady and the Tramp,
I'll even give you Beethoven
but you'll never have my champ

And there's the sad deluded Snoopy
on his kennel roof he's found
he pretends that he's a famous Ace,
but he's never left the ground

 ___
{chorus}
Lassie's no good at flying airplanes
Marley and Winn-Dixie and the rest
None of them I've found, once their wheels lift of the ground
are half as good as Fluffy - he's the best
___


While other dogs keep busy
digging deep and pointless holes
Fluffy Butt's out training
to perfect his barrel rolls

A normal dog's impressive
if it sits and shakes your hand
But Fluffy has a thousand hours
as Pilot-In-Command

___
{chorus}

Lassie's no good at flying airplanes
Hooch is keen but slobbers way too much
Bolt is good in movies but can't do it in real life
It's Fluffy Butt you'd go to in the clutch
___

Some dogs like to chase their tail
or jump through silly hoops
But Fluffy Butt prefers to do some
daring loop-the-loops

The smartest dog who shows off with
a hundred clever tricks,
still struggles with the subtleties
of aerodynamics


___
{chorus}
Lassie's no good at flying airplanes
Marmaduke's Ok but not too high
You'd never want old Yeller anywhere near a propeller
It's Fluffy Butt you want up in the sky


It's Fluffy Butt you want up in the sky

Kittens are cute
Kittens are cute
They're bouncy and pouncy, and really a hoot
Kittens are cute
Kittens are cute
except when they're on your tail preparing to shoot!

Kittens are fun
Kittens are fun
They're cuddly and fluffy, and cute when they run
Kittens are fun
Kittens are fun
Except when they're diving on you firing their gun!

Kittens are gay
Kittens are gay
They frolick and rollick, they're always at play
Kittens are gay
Kittens are gay
But meet one in the sky, it will ruin your day!

================
Patriotic Mouse (A march)
================
...a song about duty.


{ music for 1 stanza , then}

Miss Stilton loves the library
devouring books all day -
When troubles start she checks the papers
this is what they say:

___
{chorus}
Your King and country need you now
to take your life and risk it
oh join up laddie that's the chap,
defend our cheese and biscuits

{repeat w/ just music}

___

Miss Stilton has no second thoughts
this mouse was brought up dutiful
In truth she'd rather stay home 'cos
her house is very beautiful

She packs her kit and says farewell
and leaves her life behind
she does not know if she'll return
but says she doesn't mind.

___
{chorus}
(Be)cause
Her King and country asked her now
to take her life and risk it
oh join up lassie that's the girl,
defend our cheese and biscuits

{repeat w/ just music}

___

Things start off well but sadly there's
a problem that's no trifle.
She does not pass the training 'cos
she cannot lift her rifle.

'We're grateful for your interest but
in bigness you're deficient
An office job might suit you, that's
where you'd be more efficient.''

___
{chorus}
'But
My King and country wanted me
to take my life and risk it -
come join the big adventure and
defend their cheese and biscuits'

{repeat w/ just music}

___

An aircraft zooms low over but
it does not make her nervous --
Instead with whiskers twitching she
decides to join the service.

She purposefully marches in
and says 'Can I please try?
Just strap me to some cushions then
I'm sure that I could fly'

___
{chorus}
For
her King and country asked this mouse
to take her life and risk it
so now she's flying way up high
defending cheese and biscuits

Yes
her King and country asked this mouse
to take her life and risk it
Now Captain Stilton's way up high
defending cheese and biscuits

Snake
The Monocle Song

{before}
As he cruised up high above the clouds
he pondered the disparity
between his exploits in the sky
and his lowly popularity

But that's the way it always was,
it left a scar that lingers
when he went to tally up his friends
he could count them on his fingers


___
{Chorus}

Nobody liked the snake,
nobody liked his style
nobody liked his fangs
Nobody liked his smile

In games of hide and seek
they'd accidentally lose him
When kids were picking teams,
nobody would ever choose him
___


Sporty, smart and friendly too
If there's a box he'd tick it
Debating club, a singing group,
and excellent at cricket

People couldn't fault him,
they'd respect him from afar
Yet nobody would came too close
despite his char~is~ma


___
{Chorus}


Nobody liked the snake
nobody found him funny
The way he flicked his tongue,
and slithered on his tummy

Nobody liked to talk to him,
they weren't sure if he had ears
The disturbing way he looked at them
would stoke their darkest fears

___


Now that he is fully grown,
his social life's in crisis
folks who are not used to it
don't appreciate ecdysis

his Insta posts get zero likes
his twitter's seldom followed
creatures when they think of him
just imagine being swallowed


___

because

{Chorus}


Nobody likes the snake
His eyes seem insincere
his little jokes fall flat
His small talk causes fear

People don't like his scaly skin
They don't trust his brumation
It's most unlikely one day he'd
be shower'd with adulation

___

{banter}

{ spoken section, over the top of verse melody }

A: Marketing says we need to make the snake 40% more likeable. Ideas, quickly!

B: Um, we could give him a hat?

A: (disapproving, unenthusiastic about idea) Hmmmmmm.

B: and a cane?

A: But how to hold it?

B: Maybe a fedora?

A: Ha-ha-ha! ...  seriously though, we need to make him likeable.

B: We could give him glasses.

A: Yes yes, but the lack of ears! You see the problem. Think man!

B: What about a monocle?

Ant: Yes... Yes! Do it!

{snake gets a monocle}

Both: *gasp!*
By Jove!
Great Scott!
Gads!


Kim/Sophie lean in:
Who's that?
What a dish!

___

{Chorus}

Everybody loves the snake
let's raise a glass and cheer him
For the first time in his life
creatures wanna hang out near him

Let's hear it for the snake
People say he's alright
When players wanna have some fun
He's the first one they invite

Everybody loves the snake
he's gone from rags to riches
his remarks make people squeal
his jokes have them in stitches

Everybody loves the snake
Everybody wants to choose him
Little kids start to cry,
If they're told that they can't use him

================
Pig
================

When (Girl) Pigs Fly

If you make a joke about a pig that flies ...
She's heard it all a thousand times ^be fore^
Don't be wounded if you see her roll her eyes
Please don't tell her she'd be pretty if she ^smiled more^

'Cos she never listened to the people who insisted that she
would be better in the safety of a tidy little home -
leave adventure and the danger to the creatures that were built to
take it, that of course means creatures with an X Y chromosome.

If you think that it's a scandal such a pretty little snout would
be exposed to all the dangers of a battle in the sky 'n'
that a fragile little piggy in a dainty little apron
would eschew domestic duties for a chance to learn to fly

Then perhaps you have forgotten that she's free to live her life and
that she doesn't need approval from someone she doesn't know -
She'd prefer to do her thing without the comments from the sidelines
that would only serve to put their speaker's prejudice on show.

Cos she knows that it is easy to get lost if you forget a-
bout the moment when you realised how you want to spend your day 'n'
start to think you should be reasonable and give up what you love be-
cause you start to give a pork about what other people say.

And she knows that life is great if you can live a life of purpose
So she doesn't give a pork about ~ ^ what ~ you ~ say ^
She remembers life is precious and it ends before you know it
so she doesn't give a flying pork ~ ^ what ~ you ~ say ^

Yes she knows that life is precious and it's all too quickly over
and that's why she does request if you can please stop talking now be-
cause she doesn't give a single actual flying pork about o-
pinions that are so important you just ^ have ~ to ~ say ^

Small Things
============

Good things - come in small packages
Small packages contain good things.
Small packages are often pretty special -
Diamonds... Gold rings


Small things  - you may not see me there I'm not hiding
it's just I don't draw much attention,
my tiny features don't catch your eye,
too small to mention


{Chorus}
So while you're lumpin' 'round all heavy and inflated
Small things are happy under ~ estimated
Stayin' out of sight is the best way to stay alive



Big things, they feed a whole family, so
Tasty, and good to eat.
Small things are cartilage, gristle and
bony... no meat


Big things, they're makin' such a juicy big target
It almost seems a bit of a shame that
You're tryin' to hit the side of a barn they're
so easy to aim at.


{Chorus}
Big things are struttin' round thinking they're almighty
Small things are hidden till they're ready to go bit-ey,
Waitin' 'til you're certain is the very best strategy

{Chorus}
Always choose small if you get a chance to choose it
Size doesn't matter if you know how to use it
Small things are better and the best small thing is me!

Henry the Flying Bear
=====================


Say old chum, look way up high
What do you see up there?
It's a rickety kite that can hardly gain height
Yet somehow remains in the air

So many pounds in an airplane
How do the wings not snap?
When it comes back to land, come shake his big hand
and you'll find a splendid chap.

___
(chorus)
It's Henry the flying bear
Soaring gracefully through the air
Surprisingly light, he's great in a fight
It's Henry the flying bear
___


You mustn't go on at how heavy he is
there's no need to be unkind
When the action gets hot, and you're in a tight spot
He's the best friend you could find.

Don't point out his massive waistline
it's a sensitive point, my friend,
For as long as his girth can lift off the earth
he'll stay with you to the end.

___
(chorus)
It's Henry the flying bear
Soaring gracefully through the air.
A dependable chap, he's great in a scrap
Don't take to the sky without this great guy
He's a wonderful sport, he'll give great support
It's Henry the flying bear
___
{key change}

(chorus)
It's Henry the flying bear ...
Soaring gracefully through the air.
Surprisingly light, he's great in a fight
A dependable chap, he's great in a scrap
Don't take to the sky without this great guy
It's Henry the flying bear

================
Duck
================

{ narrator }
An ad in the paper invites him to join
the nation's Flying Corps.
'Preference is given to those who can show
they've flown a bit before.'

___

{ Duck }

{CHORUS}
'Well I can do that, I think you will see
Flying will be simple for me
Here let me show you, I'm sure you'll agree
I do it naturally
___

'You warn about danger, but lookin' up there
I really don't see why
Things look much safer up in the air
'Cos foxes cannot fly.

___
{CHORUS}

'Well I can do that, don't say any more,
it looks so quacking fun!
If you can just make that front spinny thing spin,
I'll show you how it's done.
___

'And forget about flappin', my least favourite bit
'cos here's the major perk.
You're tellin' that I can sit and relax
the machine does all the work.

____
{CHORUS}

'Well I can do that, I'll show you right now
I'm gonna be the best -
If you can just show me those buttons again,
Then I can do the rest.

{CHORUS rpt}

'Yeah I can do that, get outta my way
Sit back and watch the show -
You'll want me to teach you the things I can do,
once you help me make it go.'

{cackle}

==============
Cartoon Animal
==============

You're a cartoon animal x 4

So just remember when you fall
that it doesn't really matter at all

You're a cartoon animal x 4

So don't be livid, if you should die
just get back into the aircraft and fly

You're a cartoon animal x 4

Don't throw controllers or punch the wall
Because it doesn't really matter at all

You're a cartoon animal x 4

But do remember, if you should fall.
That you could always pull the power at the wall.